When God gives you joy

*originally posted Aug. 26, 2008

Golden slightly fogged sunlight shining through the window. Crisp autumn air in slight drifts assault the nose. My daughter sits in her old baby bathtub covered up in her “little red” cape and a homemade receiving blanket. She spills out of the tub and relaxes with a “fi” in her mouth. I run in to tell Adam to come look at our daughter. We peek in at her from the hallway and break into joyous laughter. It is then my heart breaks and I realize how much I have and what Joy God has given me.

Today I believe I had a miscarriage and it wasn’t just part of my normal female existence. Today how I’ve felt and what has happened has been anything but normal. Today the realization washed over me that I may have lost a child and sadness as I never knew possible hit me. How could I have been callous enough to think I didn’t want another pregnancy, yet now mourn for a child I will never know? My human emotions are fickle and contentious at the best of times.

In the face of something I had refused to face before I felt emotions I didn’t know possible. Doubts I said I would never carry. Fear that I had somehow done something wrong. While at the same time I realized none of that was so, these doubts still sit like a little devil somewhere and tease.

So given that I can’t truly know at this point whether I had a miscarriage or it’s just an oddity where does that leave me? Mourning because somehow my body has been telling me something’s not right for a few weeks, realizing that every opportunity is one for growth from God, and the fact that I have within my grasp pure unmeasurable joy even in the face of tragedies.

My God is good, He is loving and He fills my life with a light that is beyond human comprehension. He is like the warm, soft golden glow that comes in my bedroom window tonight. It leaves me warmed, relaxed and wanting to sleep in peace while it holds me in it’s arms.

I am good, I am not without sadness, but He will not fail me.

4 Comments

  1. Jessica Says:

    Beautiful posts my Sarah dear! I can’t wait to see more.
    I had no idea that you went through a miscarriage? I’m glad you have been so strong.

    Anyway, how are you getting the blogroll going? I have no idea how to make a blogroll. Maybe I have to download wordpress, but I can’t figure out how to do that either :-/

  2. S. E. Clark Says:

    The Blogroll thing seems to just be the links. I’m not really sure how I got it going, it’s just there. What I can’t figure out now is how to add my own picture. You know like yours is by your name up there in the comment. *shrug* Just been playing with it today and Adam has been helping me with the style sheets so I can edit the look even further.

  3. derekpm Says:

    Rather interesting. Has few times re-read for this purpose to remember. Thanks for interesting article. Waiting for trackback

  4. Jessica Says:

    Well the way that I did it was setting my “gravatar” on the profile page. Under users. Maybe that will help? Good luck! Lol!

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