Hold on

It has been almost 3 months to the day that I have written anything.  I didn’t realize that in two days time of writing my last notes I was going to be having my son Miles.  I didn’t realize that for the next 3 months I would be dealing with Colic.  As I write this I am at one of my worst moments.  I have good days and bad days and I try not to look ahead too much.  George MacDonald said something about not looking ahead to the future too much.  If I look ahead with hope that Miles will get better soon I may be severely disappointed and deal with this until he’s 6 months instead of the typical 3 months that everyone says is how long Colic lasts.

The worst part about dealing with Colic is that it makes you feel all alone.  I don’t know if there is anything you can really do about this.  Nobody really knows what it is and the theories out there are abundant.  I can honestly say I have tried everything at this point and have realized that I must just endure this.  There are a few tricks to making life a bit easier.  I couldn’t just leave him and let him cry, it seemed that just because I couldn’t calm him, this wasn’t the solution.  Swaddling worked wonders in the beginning.  Mylicon sometimes works.  I resorted to making my own Gripe Water because I didn’t like the ingredients in what was commercially available.  It’s essentially a tea with chamomile, peppermint, fennel, anise, dill seed, and lavender.  I drink it and give it to Miles as well, however that hasn’t done much for him either.  I’ve ruled out most foods, though I believe there are times he hasn’t enjoyed the garlic I’ve had.  Wearing Miles is a sanity saver, but the downside is backaches and the pain from wearing an increasingly heavy baby.  The reality is my baby is just an angry baby, sensitive to most every change in his life.  When my husband sneezes or blows his nose Miles jumps and will start crying 50% of the time.

There are times I find my resolve and my typical good nature slipping.  Feeling like I’m sliding down in a dangerous spiral that I can’t control.  I have to walk away at times when I feel I may be a danger to Miles.  I know what that feels like and as the months go by it comes to the surface quicker then it did in the beginning.  I have good days, where I actually get a quick shower in and may have a few moments without having to wear a baby on me.  The rare occasion where if we go out to eat he actually happily stays in his car seat (which he hates with a passion heard in high pitch screams).  Then when you see me on the bad days my hair is dirty, unstyled, I am still wearing the same clothes for 3 days straight.  I wish this was an exaggeration.  I literally have no time to myself and I consider it a small victory if I can finish one meal all the way through, it’s a huge victory if I get to have that meal without holding a baby.

I love my child, however I do not enjoy him at this time.  I learned a valuable lesosn from my midwife though.  It’s not my job to make my baby happy.  Something we’re told differently and if our babies always crying he’s clearly not happy and we’re doing something wrong.  However even at this early age I am not in control of Miles’ emotions and if he’s not happy it’s not my fault or resonsibility.  At least there’s some freedom in that.

When this is all said and done I can only hope I have had an endurance built up in me that nothing can shake.  Please let these tear-filled moments stand for something.  Whatever lesson I am to take from this, whatever pain gathered be considered worthy.  Let none of this be in vain, because I feel in these days I have nothing left.  That fills me with utter sadness that I have so little left to give to my husband and daughter.  So if I endure this, what joy awaits me?

2 Comments

  1. Deb Kaelin Says:

    My son had Colic when he was born and for six weeks my Doctor kept telling me his symptoms were normal. Then I received my first Parents magazine and in there it described colic.

    I called the Doctor and said “My son has Colic”. She said “Oh there is medicine for that”. So I got the script and gave him whatever the dose was at the time and PUFF away went the Colic.

    Shortly after that I got a new doctor. I am sorry but I don’t remeber the name of the medicine.

  2. S. E. Clark Says:

    Well luckily my son has just about grown out of the colic and he’s almost 6 months old. What a difference a few months makes!

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