About Labor

*originally posted June 22

I am 23 weeks along and today was a mixed bag of emotion.  I am measuring a bit big for how far along I am and that isn’t good.  I am operating as though I have diabetes with the need to keep everything under control in that area.  I don’t want a big baby.  Another 6 pound baby would be wonderful.  Maybe I will go early again, I don’t know.  I wonder at times why I went so early last time at 37 weeks, but that’s probably not something I can ever really answer.  I rehashed my labor with Sheryl today and talked about what I remembered having played out.  I know I now have increased risk of tearing as I have had an episiotomy.  Something that I did not want but had no choice in whatsoever, for a 6 pound baby.  I realize there are so many things out of our control in this life and I accept that.  However it feels intensely private when someone can have the ability to cut your own body and not even ask if it’s ok.  Especially when it is a Doctor.

But that was my last journey, that is not this one.  Today Sheryl shed some light on how she handles the laboring woman.  She believes that my body will tell me when it needs to push.  I don’t know what that is like.  I don’t ever remember feeling the need to push last time.  I can’t recall once understanding what the contraction was and understand riding it out.  I felt pain, breathlessness, exhaustion and a desperation that didn’t feel right.  This time, I am sinking into the reality of a healthier pregnancy and a pregnancy without worry and stress and fear.  God taught me so much last time and this time he has set me free of so much.  He has allowed me to heal and begin a process that I cannot wait to experience.  I have, when I have the energy begun to revel in this journey and feel joy for it.

But for today, I am tired, it is in the 90’s with humidity and it just wipes me out.  I am after all pregnant and my body is doing some incredible work.  Thank God for my husband who is willing to do so much for me around the house including cook meals.  I feel the need to do things, but just sitting here my body is doing things, lots of things.  I have a little one kicking my sides and moving constantly.  Healthy lil bugger.  I am so excited to have a homebirth with some privacy and my husband and daughter right there by me.  I cannot begin to explain the elation in knowing Sloane can not only witness, but help in this journey.  In a hospital she wouldn’t be able to be there and that would feel like a loss.  This is just what I have always wanted and I feel privileged to be able to enjoy it!

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