Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

three

candles

Ready to blow out the candles

Yesterday my daughter turned 3. It was a quiet day for the family with Sloane eagerly waiting for birthday cake. She was a bit crabby in the afternoon as she was woken early from her nap by our neighbor working on his car. It’s been a tough week for the 3 of us. Sloane has tried our patience, I have been in pain, and Adam has had his own worries. So I approached her birthday with slightly more trepidation and less joy.

Today I will most likely have a needed break from her though as she got some new “kitchen” presents that keep her completely occupied. It gives me the chance to continue to dwell on what ran through my head yesterday. Namely what happened three years ago…

pinky

Dr. Evil

Life was vastly different, I was not pregnant with a toddler to take care of as well for one. I was recovering from childbirth and hooked up to magnesium, IV and catheter. I could not move out of bed nor did I have the ability to even hold Sloane. The magnesium had taken away most of my reflexes and control. My eyes were puffy and I could hardly see. Everything became increasingly foggy. I was in a different world and in awe of finally having a baby. A baby that came three weeks early so their was still that shock too.

We still mulled over a middle name for this new girl. I was sure we were having a boy. I was unsure of the name Sloane, simply because it’s so different, yet I loved it. I ignored the fact that she had to have some tests for her kidneys and eventually we would have to take care of that. I was just trying to survive the hospital.

Life had changed for Adam and I. We had more purpose and something tangible was knitting us closer together then ever before. He was my hero as he helped me through the 3 hours of pushing and pain and frustration. He was my only encouragement and without him there I would have given up. I never yelled at him. We never took “childbirth classes” to learn what to do. Every step, every inch of the way he was by my side. He advocated to get me off the magnesium, he fought for me, he loved me, he was hero that day and the days following. Our relationship had forever changed and now we were three.

When God gives you joy

*originally posted Aug. 26, 2008

Golden slightly fogged sunlight shining through the window. Crisp autumn air in slight drifts assault the nose. My daughter sits in her old baby bathtub covered up in her “little red” cape and a homemade receiving blanket. She spills out of the tub and relaxes with a “fi” in her mouth. I run in to tell Adam to come look at our daughter. We peek in at her from the hallway and break into joyous laughter. It is then my heart breaks and I realize how much I have and what Joy God has given me.

Today I believe I had a miscarriage and it wasn’t just part of my normal female existence. Today how I’ve felt and what has happened has been anything but normal. Today the realization washed over me that I may have lost a child and sadness as I never knew possible hit me. How could I have been callous enough to think I didn’t want another pregnancy, yet now mourn for a child I will never know? My human emotions are fickle and contentious at the best of times.

In the face of something I had refused to face before I felt emotions I didn’t know possible. Doubts I said I would never carry. Fear that I had somehow done something wrong. While at the same time I realized none of that was so, these doubts still sit like a little devil somewhere and tease.

So given that I can’t truly know at this point whether I had a miscarriage or it’s just an oddity where does that leave me? Mourning because somehow my body has been telling me something’s not right for a few weeks, realizing that every opportunity is one for growth from God, and the fact that I have within my grasp pure unmeasurable joy even in the face of tragedies.

My God is good, He is loving and He fills my life with a light that is beyond human comprehension. He is like the warm, soft golden glow that comes in my bedroom window tonight. It leaves me warmed, relaxed and wanting to sleep in peace while it holds me in it’s arms.

I am good, I am not without sadness, but He will not fail me.